Drac is Back
by Loodlelood
Summary: The Dark Lord has returned to reap the sins of man, beat up a toddler, and steel a car.


It was across the vast expanse of the chucky cheese ballpit that I cast my gaze. My hungry eyes searching for the truth even now as I waded through the viscous waves of plastic spheres which assailed me from all sides. I stood forlorn in the midst of an endless sea. An expanse as eternal as my presence in this world. Was it my curse to stand eternally as a pillar of this world? Was my place in existence never to be filled by another? Who cursed me with this unending life?

"Sir? Please, the ballpit is for children. Sir?"

Oh what suffering is laid upon my shoulders that I should even now find myself struggling in the face of the evils of this world and all who inhabit it. This fool, a mortal, stood before me, daring to presume some semblance of authority. The filth of the mortal man was a disgusting thing, compounded further by their arrogance. Humans were truly disgusting, and I will _never_ forgive them.

"Sir, the ball pit is for chil-"

"THE FULL MIGHT OF THE DARK LORD IS UPON YOU!" I shouted in defiance of man's evil, pushing the fool down and running out of the building.

On my way out of this twisted web of lies I kicked a small child and stole their pizza; A small consolation for the evils they had wrought upon me. I exited into the world beyond, the sun blaring down on me. How foolish the humans were, not realizing I had brought sunscreen. The hilarity of their arrogance overtook me, and I burst into laughter. A deep and resonating laughter telling of the folly of man, yet saturated in a melancholic tone which hinted at the sorrows held deep within my heart that I swear to God isn't a phase mom. I rushed with all the speed of a racing wolf gaining distance on its prey towards some shit I guess.

"Hands up mister, this is the police!" came a voice saturated in the foolishness of youth. The mortal was small indeed, coming up not even to my kneecaps, but I saw through his ruse. In appearance he was naught but I child playing police, but I had known the truth all along. He was an officer of the law pretending to be a child pretending to be an officer of the law, but I had anticipated this.

"Look upon the endless abyss that is the soul of man! Not a shred of light to be found within you! It matters not, for now you fall!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" the child screamed, having been picked up by the foot and thrown into a nearby car.

The child wailed endlessly, but tried movement anyways. The child began climbing the car, sobbing all the way, but luckily I, Dracula, had sick anti-air action. My foot found its place above the child's head before being slammed down. The small officer crashed into the ground before bouncing back up once more from the force of the impact. Weary of my combo counter, I continued my onslaught with a retinue of kicks, jabs, and funky fresh beats.

I stood there looking upon my foe, time having slowed to a crawl in the heat of the moment. I realized then what I must do. Activating my Astral Finish, I drew a fucking gun and blasted that lil shit the fuck outta compton.

I wondered why it had to be this way. Was there some purpose to our suffering? What cold hand could guide our fate so calmly towards inevitable destruction? I did wish to know the man who condemned so many to such a fate, but then I thought it fitting how poorly I know myself. Amusing, truly, how one's hypocrisy is seldom realized save for those few flashes of tormented realization. I had found solace in deflecting the blame for all this world's evils on humanity and its patron, but know I knew just how similar my own evil could be said to be. I finally understood.

"I _am_ the Government."

It was then that the voices in the back of my head told me to head to the nearest carwash.

I reached the strange facility and encountered a mortal man preparing to drive away with his automobile. Realizing I needed wheels I strode in silence towards the man and with a flourish of style revealed my 9 millimeter.

"The fuck is a man? A bitchass motherfucker." I exclaimed, decrying the evils of man as I jacked the fucker's wheels.

After some sick kung fu I kung fu'd him so good that he got kung fu'd with my kung fu kuz I was kung fuing him with my kung fu which was stronger. I drove serenely across the interstate highways of America. The vaporwave of the stereo brought my thoughts into a state of peace which was further accentuated by the beauty of the setting sun giving way to darkness.

I drove onwards towards my destiny. Towards a world beyond what I knew, where my soul could find peace. I was going to be a drift racer.


End file.
